Ironically I don’t feel super comfortable with writing this post, which is strange because I’ve written far more personal things on here. Yet, somehow, this topic feels different. I’ve never seen anyone acknowledge this feeling so I’m just going to dive straight into and let you see what goes on in my head.
In general I am not an oversharer. In my private life I always prefer to listen rather than talk, even with family, I keep myself to myself. I don’t tend to share problems, feelings, belief, anything really.
But on rare occasions, the mask slips. I let out tiny pieces of information about myself and often it feels good. I’ll tell people how I really feel when they ask how I am, or what I actually worry about or truly am passionate about. But just as quickly as I divulged the information, the anxiety hits. Why did I share that? Why would they want to know that about me?
I think about it for days afterwards. The simplest of comments. I let slip that I play the ukulele or that I enjoy writing in my free time. Things that ordinarily I wouldn’t share with anyone unless they specifically asked the right questions. But these aren’t some kind of personal secrets so why do I feel so guilty when I share?
I’ve thought about it a lot but I can’t come to any concrete solution. Is it a case of self-esteem? I think this is possibly the most likely answer. I think I’m boring or that other people won’t think I’m worth knowing about.
Or is it about a need for control? Also a likely solution. There are so many uncontrollable forces in life but keeping your private life private is one that you can control without doubt, and so maybe that’s what I do.
So it’s funny that I spend so much of my time sharing my life on this blog. I share parts of my relationship and my mental health, and some of my innermost thoughts, but sharing in ‘real life’ feels different. Online, I’m behind a screen. If someone doesn’t like what I share they won’t read my blog anymore or won’t talk to me on Twitter. That’s fine, that’s life. But in ‘real life’ if someone doesn’t like what I share, what happens then? More or less the same, so why do I feel so astronomically different about it?
When it comes down to it, I think I’m scared. Scared that people will see the real me, the flawed me, the one that I try very hard not to put out to the world. Funny then that that version of me is the one I put online for everyone to see.