Last year I developed a bad habit. I started reading GuruGossip. If you don’t know, GuruGossip is an online forum with the sole aim of bitching about Youtubers. Sure there is a section to ‘rave’ about Youtubers, but truly, who’s interested in that part? I’m no saint, I absolutely love a gossip so I got (a bit more than) slightly addicted to logging onto GuruGossip daily, to read about the Youtubers that I loved to hate.
For some reason or another I stopped reading the forums. Maybe it was the overwhelming negativity or just that I became busier, I’m not sure, but I feel better for it anyway. However, something has stuck with me from reading the Zoella thread. A few years ago I really liked Zoella, whereas now I’m pretty indifferent to the whole Youtube scene, and the more popular Zoella became, the more hate I saw about her everywhere. Youtube comments, GuruGossip, Twitter, they were full of hateful comments, branding her lazy, ungrateful and not worthy of her successes. A young woman with an empire behind her who is being hated because she wants to stay home and order a pizza.
A woman who had spoken openly about her anxiety, about how she loves the comfort of her own home, who leaves parties early, who struggles to break out of her comfort zones. A woman who to my eyes looked a lot like me.
Obviously I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be Zoella, but I know that if I was in her position, I imagine that my life would continue in a similar vein: too many pizza takeaways, leaving the party at midnight and preferring my home comforts to unknown places. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love travelling and exploring and discovering new things, but I equally love being able to come home at the end of the day and getting cosy, reading and having some peace and quiet.
Recently I’ve found myself being faced with stepping out of my comfort zone at a breakneck speed, much farther than I would have pushed myself it was up to me. And honestly, it’s exhausting. And at the end of the day, all I want to do is hide away from the world, get Lana Del Rey blaring in my ears and do some yoga. And it’s not because I’m sad or anxious. It’s not because I haven’t enjoyed breaking down my own barriers, it’s just because at home is where I feel my best. So I think what I’m saying is I get you, Zoella. You do you and I’ll do me (which is scarily similar to you, actually). People are different. We get our energy from different places. And being thrust into a situation you never saw yourself in is a scary and confusing place to be.
Although it may seem incredibly trivial, if thousands of subscribers were criticising me eating pizza multiple times a week (which I probably do now I’m thinking about it), it would bother me and I’d likely take solace in the place I feel most comfortable – home.
Since being forced to face my own comfort zones and also giving up on my GuruGossip addiction (two very different things, I know but somehow I’ve managed to tie them together for this post), I’ve learned a few things. When your Mum used to say that that girl was only bullying you because she was jealous, she was likely right, because everywhere I looked on the GuruGossip forum, there were hoards of haters, all jealous that Zoella was having such success. I’ve also learned that people might not like the way you destress after things you find anxiety inducing but that’s okay. And the third and final thing I learned, is just to not go on GuruGossip ever. Eradicate those negative headspaces so you can continue breaking down your own barriers and keep eating pizza.